The Music of Steven Seagal

The enigma of Steven Seagal is deepened immeasurably by the existence of his music. By 2005, the world already had two Steven Seagals: the ass-kicking movies star and the sexist douchebag bully he is purported to be in real life. But his two albums, Songs From the Crystal Cave (2005) and Mojo Priest (2006), add a third version into the mix: Steven Seagal as soulful, philosophical troubadour wandering the world with his guitar and healing us with his love.

Of course, that’s the persona he tries to cultivate, but the one he actually creates is wildly different. Instead, his music solidifies his status as camp icon and discards any lingering shreds of the badass he once was. So clueless, inept and hypocritical is his music, it’s funnier than virtually any comedy album. Picture, if you will, the sappiness of Celine Dio, the oblivious assholishness of Chris Brown, the wanky indulgence of Billy Corgan, the whiny self-pity of Chad Kroeger, the creepiness of Gene Simmons, the cultural depth of Vanilla Ice’s reggae album, and the muddled spiritual horseshit of Steven Seagal’s worst movies all rolled into one and topped off with some truly terrible singing.

The best way to describe Seagal’s music? In the words of Michael Caine in On Deadly Ground: “Delve down into the deepest bowels of your soul. Try to imagine the ultimate fucking nightmare. And that won’t even come clos