Mercenary For Justice (2006)

If nothing else, Mercenary for Justice has one of the best titles of all of Seagal’s movies, and not just because it harkens back to Out for Justice — Seagal’s finest venture and one of the towering artistic achievements of the 20th century.

A ‘mercenary’ is defined as an individual who works for monetary reward, so the movie’s title is already an oxymoron. Saying someone is a “mercenary for justice” is like saying someone is a “dentist of fingernails” or a “Jew for Jesus.” But let’s forget that for second and ponder what a “mercenary for justice” would theoretically do. Maybe they rescue a VIP from a prison camp and, as payment, someone wrongly accused of murder gets a full pardon? Or maybe they assassinate a dangerous political figure and, as payment, a woman who was fired due to outdated sexist policies gets her job back and a formal apology? The possibilities are endless!

Alas, Mercenary for Justice features no mercenaries for justice. In fact, while it features a number of mercenaries, Seagal’s character is neither a mercenary for justice nor even a mercenary for money (which is also know as just ‘a mercenary’). Certain characters refer to him as a mercenary, but if you look back at the plot, he actually isn’t, assuming you use the traditional definition. He is many things in this movie — Iraq war vet, CIA operative, bank robber, prolific cop killer, sensitive romantic — but he is never what the dictionary would define as a mercenary.

Despite the disappointments on the mercenaries for justice front, Mercenary for Justice is actually one of the more enjoyable Seagal DTV movies. It is sufficiently entertaining — for some of the reasons it’s supposed to be, and lots of reasons it’s not. It sure doesn’t start out well, though. After the opening credits, which look and sound like they were done in iMovie by a 65-year-old man, these are two of the first things we see:

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The Music of Steven Seagal

The enigma of Steven Seagal is deepened immeasurably by the existence of his music. By 2005, the world already had two Steven Seagals: the ass-kicking movies star and the sexist douchebag bully he is purported to be in real life. But his two albums, Songs From the Crystal Cave (2005) and Mojo Priest (2006), add a third version into the mix: Steven Seagal as soulful, philosophical troubadour wandering the world with his guitar and healing us with his love.

Of course, that’s the persona he tries to cultivate, but the one he actually creates is wildly different. Instead, his music solidifies his status as camp icon and discards any lingering shreds of the badass he once was. So clueless, inept and hypocritical is his music, it’s funnier than virtually any comedy album. Picture, if you will, the sappiness of Celine Dio, the oblivious assholishness of Chris Brown, the wanky indulgence of Billy Corgan, the whiny self-pity of Chad Kroeger, the creepiness of Gene Simmons, the cultural depth of Vanilla Ice’s reggae album, and the muddled spiritual horseshit of Steven Seagal’s worst movies all rolled into one and topped off with some truly terrible singing.

The best way to describe Seagal’s music? In the words of Michael Caine in On Deadly Ground: “Delve down into the deepest bowels of your soul. Try to imagine the ultimate fucking nightmare. And that won’t even come clos

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HARD TO KILL

Action star Steven Seagal crosses Rip Van Winkle with Clint Eastwood in this belabored revenge odyssey. Seagal plays L.A. Detective Mason Storm and, over the opening credits , Storm is seed busily eavesdropping on crooked politician Vernon Trent (William Sadler). Once he has the goods on Trent, Storm phones his partner Kevin O`Malley (Frederick Coffin) to report on his progress. Unfortunately, crooked cops in the same room pick up the extension phone and listen in, thereby dooming Storm. Soon killers show up at Storm`s home and blow away Storm`s wife Felicia (Bonnie Burroughs) and their young son. Storm himself is also assumed dead, but when he is taken to the hospital, he lapses into a coma. O`Malley spirits him away, and everyone else, for all intents and purposes, thinks Storm has died. Seven years later, under the tutelage of incredibly beautiful nurse Andy Stewart (Kelly LeBrock), Storm rises from his coma and plots his revenge. With the able assistance of Andy, Storm heads off on a killing spree, becoming (as one character describes him), "the most unstoppable sonuvabitch I ever met."

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