Posted by Unknown on 2:05 PM
Here at Cracked, there's not much we love to see more than shit getting blown up real good. Unfortunately, we seldom take time to examine the ramifications of when the Steven Seagals of the world decide that the only justice on the menu is the blazing inferno variety. Imagine if you were Detective Steve McBlowshitup's partner, and you were called into what appeared to be a routine drug bust. Protocol would probably call for things like a search warrant and backup. Now, imagine your partner turning right around and running into that drug house, guns blazing. One of two things would happen. You'd either one: try and help him out, to which he'd...
Posted by Unknown on 1:10 AM
Under siege: "America's Toughest Sheriff" Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Ariz. enlisted the actor's martial arts expertise to demonstrate the proper response to school shootings and gunmen.
Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, left, enlisted the help of actor Steven Seagal to lead a training exercise in Fountain Hills, Ariz. for members of his armed volunteer posse on how to respond to a school shooting..
Arizona's self-proclaimed "America's Toughest Sheriff" enlisted the combat services of actor Steven Seagal to train a volunteer posse through a simulated school shooting on Saturday. The event was part of the sheriff's controversial plan of...
Posted by Unknown on 1:07 AM
Actor Steven Seagal is training volunteers in Arizona as part of a controversial plan to use armed guards to protect schools against shooting incidents.
Joe Arpaio, America's self-styled 'Toughest Sheriff', enlisted Seagal to teach guards how to patrol schools following the Newtown shootings in December.
During the training at a school in Fountain Hills, a suburb northeast of Phoenix, children were used as stand-ins for students as Seagal, a martial arts expert, guided 48 volunteers through various response techniques.
"I am here to try to teach the posse firearms and martial arts to try to help them learn how to respond quicker and...
Posted by Unknown on 6:57 AM
The ponytail. The spiritualism. The pot belly. The reality television. Steven Seagal’s ego is its own action star, and we kind of love to hate him for it.
When I was growing up nobody broke bones like Seagal did. He was also the king of action movies with three-word titles that I’ve never been able to keep straight: ‘Marked For Death,’ ‘Above The Law,’ ‘Hard To Kill.’ ‘Under Siege’ broke the three-word title run, and was also the pinnacle of Seagal’s career.
In those days, he just ruled. But he’s always been “shrouded in mystery,” and I think most have figured out that mystery is another way to say “lies.” He keeps working and has coasted...
Posted by Unknown on 6:02 PM
Marked
for Death (1990)
Above the Law served as an appropriate introduction to all
things Seagal, suggesting that an outpouring of high quality, ethnically
diverse, violence-oriented art was headed our way. Hard to Kill made us
question whether it could really be as good as it seemed. Marked for Death is a
movie just good enough to hold us over, and inspire us to give Seagal another
chance. And with this second chance, he delivered the goods: after this comes
Out for Justice (his masterpiece) and Under Siege (his explosion into the
mainstream).
But let’s just talk about Marked for Death for now. The
movie starts off with a bang, as...
Posted by Unknown on 10:13 AM
Roland Sallinger is an LA cop who after nearly being killed by his greedy partner, and eventually being forced to retire for medical reasons, flees to San Antonio, Texas, after being asked .
Director: Keoni Waxman
Writer: Paul A. Birkett
Stars: Steven Seagal, Liezl Carstens, Arron Shiver...
Posted by Unknown on 10:06 AM
A former SEAL, now cook, is the only person who can stop a gang of terrorists when they seize control of a US Navy battleship.
Director : Andrew Davis
Writer : J.F. Lawton
Stars : Steven Seagal, Tommy Lee Jones, Gary Busey&nb...
Posted by Unknown on 10:02 AM
Nico Toscani is a martial arts expert who was recruited by the CIA when he was in Japan, he would be sent to Vietnam. While there he witness the sadistic treatment of prisoners by Zagon, an... See full summary »
Director:
Andrew Davis
Writers:
Andrew Davis (story), Steven Seagal (story), 3 more credits »
Stars:
Steven Seagal, Pam Grier, Henry Silva | See full cast and cr...
Posted by Unknown on 9:59 AM
After being set-up and betrayed by the man who hired him to assassinate a Texas Senator, an ex-Federale launches a brutal rampage of revenge against his former boss.
Directors:
Ethan Maniquis, Robert Rodriguez
Writers:
Robert Rodriguez, Álvaro Rodríguez
Stars:
Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba | See full cast and cr...
Posted by Unknown on 5:48 AM
Today You Die (2005)
I’ve often described Out for Justice as a compendium of all
the reasons that Steven Seagal is awesome, but Today You Die is an equally
comprehensive compendium of all the reasons that Steven Seagal is hilariously
terrible. It’s filled to the brim with all the uniquely Seagallian horseshit
I’ve come to look forward to and dread in equal measure: non-sensical
shoot-outs, obvious body-doubling, an unintelligible plot, awkward banter with
an embarrassed-looking rapper, hilariously bad acting from Seagal, and
hairstyles that exist in defiance of God.
The movie opens with Steven Seagal’s wife having a spooky
nightmare....
